guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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