Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
