I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
