I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
