shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
