so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
