I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
