he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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