you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
