the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
