thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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