I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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