Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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