walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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