i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
