I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
