I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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