pop tarts are not kleenex
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
