someone threw a dead crab at me
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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