Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
