cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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