mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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