My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
