he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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