can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
