So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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