Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
