The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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