I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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