I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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