OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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