; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What did we do last night that was yellow?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
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I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize