also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
