I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
