I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
