When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
