my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
