sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He passed out mid-signature
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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