I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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