Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
