Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
