It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
