drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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