You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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