I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
