my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
