wakey wakey hands off snakey
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
