Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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