We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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