Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
