bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
