Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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