i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
