two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
