Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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