Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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