i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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