I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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