Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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