can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
