My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
