Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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